Preparing for Parent Aware and Infant Learning

So, the child care center where I work is preparing for our re-rating through Parent Aware. For those of you who don't know, Parent Aware is a program that works with child care centers and providers to use research based ideas to help children in child care settings be more ready for kindergarten.

Now, I will be one of the first to stand up and say that I feel that our schools, teachers, and children are being pushed into accomplishing unrealistic goals.  Kindergartners are not developmentally ready for first or second grade work.  Five and six year old children should never be expected to be able to accomplish the things that eight and nine year olds can and should do.  But there are things that can be done with children before they ever set foot in a classroom that can help them be set up for success once they get to kindergarten. Even as an infant teacher, there are things that I need to do to be able to help my little learners get the best start possible.

Teach children that learning is fun, or at least interesting.  Creating an environment that promotes exploration and discovery on the child's terms allows a child to see that they have the ability to choose for themselves what interests them.  They can make things happen. They can become immersed in stacking cups or rings, climbing into or out of a bucket, standing up and falling back down as they try out their legs. They can make the baby in the mirror smile and wave an arm or kick a leg.  And all of this shows children that learning in a common, natural thing for them to do.

Make learning possible.  If a child is consistently in front of a screen, or tucked into an infant seat/swing, they are not going to learn about movement opportunities.  They won't learn the wonder of being outside, and feeling the grass or the sand or how it feels to swing. You have to make learning possible for children by giving them a place that encourages interaction with the environment.  Take them outside and let them see the trees and insects, let them play with the sand and grass (and yes, if you have infants, they will probably try to eat both.  It's usually not a big deal.)

Give them opportunities to try out new things that they haven't done before.  I have a couple baby friends who are around the 9 month mark.  They just started participating in our art experiences that involve paint brushes and crayons.  And they love it!  They get the biggest smiles as they swing their arms back and forth and color or paint their paper (or their teachers or the floor!)  Just remember that everything washes, even the children.

Also, these children are beginning to pull themselves to stand, and get themselves around the room under their own power.  These moments are huge for an infant.  For the first times in their lives, these children are able to make a decision about what they want and get themselves to their goal.  Create a space that allows movement, and encourage the opportunity.  Trust me, I know how fun it is to snuggle that squishy baby, but let them do their own thing.  They will thank you for it. Promise.

Lastly, for here at least, TALK TO THEM! Let them know the correct words for what they are doing, the things they are learning, what they are feeling, where they are going, reading to them.  Children learn language by listening to you talk. Make sure they hear you, and that you are talking and reading about a variety of topics.  Teach them how to have conversations so they can express themselves, and listen to another person.

There are a million and five things that you can give to a child, but the most important is your support of their exploration.  Teach them that they are capable learners, encourage them to try- even if they can't quite get it right the first time, and you will help your child become ready for the things that life is going to throw at them.

The Loss of Discipline...

I recently saw this image on one of the Facebook pages I follow.  I have to admit, it made me sad to see.  So many people see or think of discipline as punishment for a child, when the full scope of discipline is so much more.  Truly, the last line- "providing conditions in which a child can realize his or her full human potential"- is one of the best definitions of discipline for children I have seen.

Discipline is providing structure and routine for a child.  Children need structure in their day.  They thrive on knowing what comes next, that they can trust you to be there, that there is predictability in their lives. Discipline allows you to tell your child that there are limits, there are routines for the things you do, that you can be trusted to be a safe place for them.

Discipline is letting a child know that there are expectations for him or her.  Each family, community, culture all have their own expectations for everyone who is a member- including children.  Discipline lets you teach your child what those expectations are, and how to succeed at and within them.  It lets you teach your child that there are times when they must wear clothes, there are places for using the bathroom, that we need to take turns for the safety and well-being of everyone.  When children are in group settings (like child care or school), there are expectations for learning.  If your child has no concept of discipline, in increases the chances of the child having a harder time interacting with the group and taking advantage of the learning opportunities offered.

Discipline allows a child to know how to interact with others.  It provides the framework for culturally appropriate communication rituals.  When children don't have clear boundaries (discipline!), it can lead to a child being overly affectionate or to hang back in the wrong situations. It teaches a child when a hand shake is more appropriate than a hug, the space we leave between friends or strangers, and the words we use when we speak to the different people in our lives.

Discipline tells a child we will keep them safe.  There are expectations for how we interact with other people, for how we interact with our environment. Offering appropriate discipline tells a child, "I won't let you hurt yourself and others.  I will help you learn how to be safe. I will help you learn about being a friend."

Discipline is not synonymous with punishment. Discipline is providing the expectations and framework for growth and learning.

Techno Babies

After we got home from school and work and day care today, my older kids asked for their InnoTabs to play with.  After about 20 minutes, they were finished and moved on to Lego's and Barbecue Party.  I'm always glad to see them using their own imagination to entertain themselves (and each other, since my baby doll was helping the super baby play Barbecue Party).  I have seen so many children who don't know how to entertain themselves without a battery operated toy/computer/tablet/television, and it breaks my heart to know that they have become so dependent on something that really isn't giving them the benefits that are advertised.

Some years ago, when the little man was still a baby, I saw an ad for an infant video game system in one of the magazines I subscribed to at the time.  The Husband was all about the video games at the time and thought we should get one for little man.  His side:  It teaches shapes, colors, and numbers. My side:  It teaches him how to push a button.  Our finances didn't allow for us to do more than discuss it, but it really demonstrated the different ends of the technology spectrum to me.

I grew up in a household that had one TV for the longest time.  We finally got a little one in the kitchen, but it was mainly used when we would "sneak" downstairs on Saturday mornings for cartoons.  (The kitchen was further from the parent's bedroom, the light and sound didn't reach in there... Home free, right?)  My brothers got game systems, but not until they were working and able to purchase them for themselves.  And, you know, that was okay.  We played with dolls and blocks and our imaginations.  We had the run of the woods behind the house, and we built the most amazing villages out there where we could bring the dogs and ponies that were around for us to enjoy.  We rode our bikes in the yard and on the driveway.  We read books, and drew, and had a great time together.  At the time, every now and again, we would be bummed that we didn't have what 'everyone' else had.  But looking back on it, maybe we had it better.

Fast forward about 15 years, and here I am with my own little ones.  Reading and hearing about all the research about how too much screen time is not good for little ones.  Being frustrated at all the advertisements that touted the newest product to teach your infant to read or speak or learn best from using that product.  When did it become a business to replace that precious time with parents?  To teach your child to read from watching TV instead of snuggling up with books?  To teach your child shapes and colors on the screen instead of busting out the paper and crayons?

Having all this thrown at me made me want to do it differently.  To not take what felt, to me, like the easy way out.  So, here I am, with a cabinet full of books to rival the library available at the center where I work, with another cabinet full of art and sensory supplies, to SPEND TIME with my children, learning with and from them.  And, you know what?  That 20 minutes, a couple times a week with the InnoTab, plus the 2-3 times they watch a show or movie is just enough screen time for us.  We have so much more time to create and hang out playing games, and the husband and I get to feel the pride in their learning.

This isn't to say that any amount of screen time is terrible for children.  We are just looking to encourage depending on it less, and looking for alternatives to spending so much time glued to the screen.

Last spring, I broached the subject of cancelling our cable subscription with the husband.  As there was quite the list of DVR'd shows always available on the box, it wasn't the easiest sell.  But we gave it a shot, and switched to Netflix and Hulu.  It definitely cuts down on the TV watching the kids and I do, because I don't usually feel like waiting to fire up the TV and Wii to get to the shows.  (And I sure liked the cost difference- that extra $50 not going out for cable isn't bothering me a bit.)

So, what does one do instead of fixating on the screen?  Well, I'm so glad you asked!

Art-  Keep a bin of crayons, markers, pencils, pads of paper, stickers, ink pads and stamps, paints and brushes, scissors, and glue handy.  Haul it out and  create away.

Playdough- Sensory, only slightly messy, fun.  Need I say more?

Sensory bins- Beans, rice, sand, pasta, water, cloud dough (2 parts flour to 1 part oil), easter grass and small plastic toys, snow, ice, aquarium rocks, water beads, marbles... Go wild!  (Just make sure that your young ones are closely supervised... Guess that means you get to play too!)

Have a dance party- Put on some music and be silly.  Just think of all the endorphins you can give yourself!

READ!  Reading to your child is one of the absolute best ways to teach your child.  Reading stories gives you snuggle up time, it encourages conversations you may not have had otherwise, it brings up vocabulary that you wouldn't usually use.

Cook-  Involve your child in making your meals.  Have them pull up a chair or stool, and wash the fruits and veggies at the sink, or measure out the pasta into a bowl, or spread bread with butter or jam.  Encourage them to set out silverware and napkins, or choose the fruit that will be served.

Go outside.  This, by far, has to be one of my favorite alternatives to do with my children.  I was lucky enough to be able to spend so much of my childhood outside, and I need to make up for not having the kind of backyard that I wanted for them the first few years of the older two's lives.  We are gonna be spending every spare minute out there (as soon as it is warm enough), and make all the memories we can.

There is so much to do and experience!  Go do it!  It'll be the best daymaking experience your child can have....

It's OK to Follow Through... Even Through Tears

What a crazy, busy week this feels like it has been!  We made it to the climb for Team Briley, and the fundraising was very successful for that.  What a wonderful feeling to be part of this effort, and a huge shout out to the climbers and fundraisers on that!  I have also been working on some class work that is a required part of my job, which has also energized me on several things to do and bring up in my classroom to improve learning and development for my kiddos there.   :)

I recently got to have a conversation about why I feel that it is ok to follow through on what you say you will or are going to with or for a child- even if they get upset about it.  The situation was that a caregiver needed both hands to accomplish a task, and told the child she was holding that he would need to be put down for a minute (and really, it would be less than that), and that she would scoop him right back up.  Before the child was set all the way down, he was clinging and fussing, and so was told that they would manage to complete the task while she was holding him.

Now, I don't enjoy a sad child any more than the next person does.  It is very hard to hear a child cry for you when they just want you to be holding and comforting them.  It can be difficult to maneuver around children at your feet when they are clinging to your legs or just sitting right behind you.  But it is sometimes necessary for the child to be put down to free both your hands for the job that you need to do.

When you are diapering, for instance, you must have both hands to properly attend to the child on the changing table.  When preparing a bottle or cereal, it is better to not have a child on your hip so that they can't knock an open bottle out of your hands, or cough or sneeze into a bottle that is not meant for them.  When a bottle or cereal is not meant for the sad child, it is sometimes better to leave them down so they don't grab or put their hands in someone else's food, or just disrupt the meal with a tantrum that they are not getting what they want.

Children learn early about cause and effect.  When you speak to your newborn, or stroke their cheek, and they turn their face in your direction.  When your infant shakes a rattle and hears the sound, so they try again.  When they kick the crib to make the mobile move.  When they cry, someone comes to get them, and figures out what they are asking for- and provides it.  Children are quick to catch on.

Unfortunately, there can be too much of a good thing.  The child whose cries are always responded to with a bottle never learn to soothe without one.  The child who is always held and provided with someone to entertain them never learns to play on their own, or to find a toy or activity without adult assistance.

Here is where that follow through comes in to play for an infant.  If you say that you need to put a child down for a few minutes, do it- even when they cry at you.  It is only for a moment, and there are times that it is for their own or another's health and safety.  And this can be just the beginning.  What you are teaching them far outweighs the sadness that they feel in the moment.  You are showing them  that you know that they can be ok for the moment without being held.  You are showing them that there are limits in their world.  You are teaching them that you will come back to them- and this may be one of the most important of all!  Children need to know that they are ok, and that you will return.  Starting with small moments allows you to work up to bigger times, where it may take you longer to be able to get back to them.

 When you tell a child no, or that they need to be put down for a set period of time, or that they will need to wait for their next bottle because other's are due first, but don't follow through, you are teaching your child that your no isn't important.  You are teaching them that with continued crying, you will change your answer... In short, your child is completely in charge.  The child that clings and cries so you don't put them down is going to have a harder time when you do put them down if you make a habit of holding them some of the time.  They learn that their crying/whining/clinging gets them what they want at the possible expense of health and safety.  And every time you give in, you are reinforcing the behavior that you don't want (cry/whine/cling).

It is the same concept for the older child who asks for a toy at the store.  If you say no, and they have a tantrum, or they beg and bargain, and you give in, you are reinforcing the negative behavior (begging/ tantrums).  Even if you say no some of the time and stick to it, it is harder for your child to accept it if you say no but change to yes even a fraction of the time.  What if this would be the time that you change your answer, if they just keep pecking away for another minute?  If they scream just a little louder?  If they beg just a little harder?  If you think you might say yes, simply don't say no.  Say that you will think about it.  Give them a goal to work on while you are at the store, something simple and clear.  If they meet your expectations, give them what they asked for. But there is a catch to that one too... If you give a specific direction for getting what they want, and they choose not to follow it, you have to keep your end of not getting them the toy.  Otherwise, you are back to square one of them learning that you don't mean what you say.

Now, why is this important?  The infant that doesn't learn that you will follow through on the directions that distress them, the toddler that doesn't learn to pick up their toys, the preschooler who learns that they can dictate their supper from the meal you planned to a PB-J...  These habits can build into a child who can (and likely will) defy you on the more important issues.  Don't play in the road.  Stay by me in parking lots and crowded stores. Doing homework.  Staying away from illegal and unsafe habits or choices.  Don't hurt other people.  I know it can sound silly to think that something like letting an infant dictate weather you hold them when it would really be safer for both of you if you set them down and let them fuss for 20 seconds could lead to worrying about future illegal choices, but learning starts at the beginning.  It's like the ripples on the pond on the movie Pocahontas...  Something can start out small, and get bigger and bigger, and you never know where it will end up.

On the flip side of this, do your best to reinforce the positives.  Notice when they are playing happily without your assistance, and comment on that in an upbeat tone of voice.  They may not understand your words, but they will understand your tone.  When they are able to wait (even somewhat) calmly or quietly for you to be able to pick them back up, tell them how well they did waiting, again in that upbeat tone.  Be sure to teach yourself to be specific in your praise, not just a general good job.  This lets the child hear what they did, so that they can start associating it with their (and your) actions.

In my personal experience as a caregiver, as an educator, as a parent, it is so important for children to have clear limits and directions, and clear consequences for making choices counter to those directions.  It is important for us to teach children that their are limits, and that sometimes the answer is "no" or "not now" or "you will need to wait a bit."  It doesn't do children any favors to always hear yes.  It only makes it more difficult when they encounter someone who can't say yes as well.

Little Bugs Bedtime

Another bedtime, come and gone.  It is often a little sad for me to tuck my munchkins into their beds for the night, since it means that we are at the end of another wonderful day together.  Sometimes the days are long, busy, and stressful.  Sometimes they are quiet and comfortable.  But, at the end, there was always something great about the day with each one of them that makes me wish I could stretch the time out a little longer to hold onto that great feeling.

I sure do miss the days when it worked to cuddle my babies to sleep.  We would snuggle and rock, or cuddle up in the mom and dad bed, and it was the best time.  Their sweet little faces, the warm weight of them tucked in my arms.  There is nothing like it for me.  But the time came when the extra evening attention would keep them awake when they needed to be sleeping, so adjustments had to be made.  All part of the growing up story.

Now, I think we have a great bedtime routine down.  Lots of stories, followed by a trip to the bathroom and brushing teeth.  A little drink of water, then the tuck-ins and kisses.  I like the idea of a bedtime prayer, but as we are not the most religious, I found a poem that works quite well for us.  We do that, then say thank you for one thing that made each one happy that day, then one last I love you.  Such special moments.

(1)

There are many things to consider when bedtime comes around, but one thing that seems to be commonly agreed on is that a regular routine can make all the difference for parents and children in how well children are able to fall asleep and stay asleep.  Tired children have much more trouble processing new information, can cause health and emotional issues, and can delay a child's development.  (2)  Helping them to get the sleep they need can make such a critical difference in their lives.

A few things that I found most helpful when setting the bedtime routine for my children were:

1.  Counting backwards from the time I needed to have them up so that we could be ready to leave for our day.  I have a 6:30am start time at work.  We need to be walking out the door by 6:10 to get there on time and be ready to go.  This means that the children need to be up no later than 5:30 to be able to get dressed, packed, have a quick snack, and be ready to go.  Going to bed at 7:00pm allows them about 30 minutes to be restless and wind down, so that they can get 10 hours of sleep overnight.  The two youngest make up their other 1-2 hours of sleep with their naps at daycare.

2.  Having a special toy, lovey, or blanket in their bed with them.  When the children were able to transition to a toddler bed, we would allow them a small snuggly toy to go to bed with them.  But the toy had to be going to sleep too.  It couldn't play with them while they were trying to sleep.  And this did help them from time to time, as they would be helping their toy fall asleep, and it would soothe them to sleep as well.

3.  Using the same words as we say good night to the children.  There is little variation in what I say when I am tucking the children in, and they are able to associate the words with bedtime.  Consistency is key!

4.  Keeping the room calm, quiet, and low key.  We do not have TV in the kids' rooms, and at this point don't plan to.  There is so much research out there showing the negative correlations between television and sleeping habits of children; I just don't want to risk it.  (I am not saying that no child should ever have a TV in their room, or that a parent who chooses to do so is not thinking of the best interests of their child.)  We don't have a lot of pictures on the walls of their bedrooms, and we do have CD players in their rooms with a CD of lullaby music to help them tune out what might be going on in the rest of the house, as well as to give them that auditory cue that it is time to sleep.

5.  Routine!  I think this is the most important part of helping my kids get the sleep they need.  Doing the same things in the same order lets them know what to expect, and makes it less stressful all around.  

 Learning to enjoy sleep, the way it takes care of our minds and bodies, may be one of the most important things we teach our children.  No matter the routine you pick, knowing what is best for your child and your family is the most important bedtime story of all.

Backpacks and Responsibility

This morning, I was able to go with to drop Little Man off at kindergarten.  While I waited in the truck for the husband to take him inside and get him checked in with his early care teacher, I observed several other children get dropped off as well.  Typically, they all had a backpack, as was requested on the school supply list at the beginning of the year.  What caught my attention about this was that none of the children were carrying their backpack.  The parent/adult was.  Even at the Center, the majority of children who regularly bring a backpack have their parent or responsible adult carrying it for them.

As I sit and wait, I found myself wondering if I am in a minority on backpack usage.  You see, I have my children (even 2 year old Super Baby) carry their own backpack.  The most help I will give them with it usually is to put it on their shoulder, and hold their hand so that they can't just dump it on the ground.  To me, it is their backpack for a reason.  They need to learn responsibility, and this is a great way to do it.  To insist that they carry their own possessions (with an adult making sure that it is weight appropriate for their size/ strength) teaches them that they are responsible enough to take on keeping track of their things.  My littles carry their blanket and a stuffed animal or taggie lovey in theirs, my kindergartner is supposed to have his folders and/or library books in his, but does sometimes forget.

Now, I do know that this may seem like a minor thing.  But why waste the opportunity for teaching?  Children aren't going to learn any younger, as my dad always liked to say.  Teaching them early that there are rules and expectations just makes it easier on everyone as children grow. Teach your 18 month old to push a laundry basket through the house so he can take his own clothes to the laundry room and back.  Teach your four year old to put the stacks of her shirts and pants in the separate drawers so she can put her own clothing away.  Teach your six year old about recycling so he can be the one to take the cans, jugs, and boxes out to the recycling bin.  Not only do these small chores teach children about responsibility, they allow them to offer something to the family.  Those first baby steps toward learning to become an employee.

Children are naturally curious and want to please.  Encouraging this from the time they begin to ask creates lifelong helpers, children who have less trouble when asked to do something around the house, to help their classmates in child care, preschool, or school, and have less difficulty acclimating to the responsibilities of a job.  In my care are 1 year olds (14-15 months) who want rags to help us clean the shelves and cabinets. My own children have chores that they help with around the house.  I remember having expectations of helping out when I was a kid, both in the house and in the barn.  I am not suggesting that we make children do everything for themselves or us, but what a great learning experience it is when they are encouraged to do the things they can!

The Science Behind Listening

It's interesting how children listen to you... Or don't, as the case may be.  As I mentioned, I have a 2 year old, a 4 year old, and a 6 year old.  And their listening skills are so highly developed, it makes me wonder where I lost some of mine.

For example, I can be in the same room as Little Man, and tell him that he needs to do something.  Or stop jumping on or off the couch. Or to walk in the house so he doesn't plow the Super Baby over.  And he can't hear me! See how developed that is?  He can tune directions right out when they are spoken at a normal, indoor tone, not 10 feet from him.  And as I can admit to being a frustrated momma at times, there are times I've raised my voice... OK, even yelled when he (or one of the others) was doing something that he'd been told not to several times, and I was concerned about safety. Or just wanted him to stop.   And he still can't hear me.  But, when I get up, in preparation for getting within arms reach to physically stop him, he heard it all, and stops.  Magical, huh?

And the other two are the same way.

My other favorite (ha, ha) example of listening is the repeated questioning.  As a professional, I know that children learn by asking questions, and that they may honestly not  be able to remember the answer you give for long.  And that many children will repeat the same question to make sure that you give the same answer every time.  Unfortunately, as I and many other parents know, this can become frustrating for the adults in the situation.  We may begin thinking, "Does this child even hear what I am saying?  I just answered this question 2 minutes ago!"

Both of these situations can lead to stress and frustration for parents, children, and care givers.  And that is just no fun for any one.  No one wants to spend their day getting after their child for climbing the furniture, or being a human snow plow, or just being in your face to the point that neither of you is having fun any more.

Fortunately, there is a multitude of information on parenting and communicating with your child.  Unfortunately, there is so much information out there that it can be overwhelming.  Add in the caring and well meaning advice of friends and family, and it can be downright scary to try anything.

One of the first books I read, which actually also became one of my go-to  methods, was 1-2-3 Magic:  Effective Discipline for 2-12, by Dr. Thomas Phalen (1).  The most basic premise of this method is that you (the parent or caregiver) outline what behaviors you want to stop, and decide what the consequence will be if your child continues the behavior.  You don't argue or escalate, you simply count.  Say "That's one" with the first notice of the behavior, "That's two" if it continues or becomes a second negative (such as arguing about stopping the behavior), and "That's three, [insert consequence here.]"  On the flip side of that is also deciding behaviors you want to encourage, and deciding on a support system for those.  For example, I want my children to have a routine at home.  I have a sticker chart schedule that outlines several things I need them to do during the day- like getting ready in the morning, taking a nap or rest, and getting ready for bed.  They can earn stickers or draw smiling faces when they are able to accomplish their tasks, and if they get the previously decided  number of stickers, they get a pre-drawn reward.  We keep an assortment of wide craft sticks that list rewards like a movie night, art supplies, play dough party and so on.  At the beginning of the week, one is drawn and displayed to remind the children what they are working toward.

There are many, many more books out there on helping children listen, but I haven't had a chance to check them all out.  If you have suggestions, feel free to share in the comments!  I am always looking for more to learn.

My other stand-by for repetitive questioning is to reply with, "Already answered."  When Baby Doll asks again what is for supper, and I have already responded once or twice, I will say, "Already answered."  And usually, she can tell me what is for supper.  Or if she can have Lego's out.  Or if we can watch a movie.  Or pretty much anything.  "Already answered."  What a great idea.  Unfortunately, I can't find the article where I read about this idea, so I can't give it's author credit now.  But when I find it again, I will make sure to link it to share.

Listening and discipline go hand in hand.  Helping children learn to listen is such a critical skill.  I can't wait for the day when my own children listen the first time I say something, every time.  But I guess when that happens, I'll wake up from the dream.  Oh, well... Understanding that this exceptional listening is a part of a child's development keeps me from going too crazy when it seems to be going around a lot.  Hopefully, it helps out others, too.