It's OK to Follow Through... Even Through Tears

What a crazy, busy week this feels like it has been!  We made it to the climb for Team Briley, and the fundraising was very successful for that.  What a wonderful feeling to be part of this effort, and a huge shout out to the climbers and fundraisers on that!  I have also been working on some class work that is a required part of my job, which has also energized me on several things to do and bring up in my classroom to improve learning and development for my kiddos there.   :)

I recently got to have a conversation about why I feel that it is ok to follow through on what you say you will or are going to with or for a child- even if they get upset about it.  The situation was that a caregiver needed both hands to accomplish a task, and told the child she was holding that he would need to be put down for a minute (and really, it would be less than that), and that she would scoop him right back up.  Before the child was set all the way down, he was clinging and fussing, and so was told that they would manage to complete the task while she was holding him.

Now, I don't enjoy a sad child any more than the next person does.  It is very hard to hear a child cry for you when they just want you to be holding and comforting them.  It can be difficult to maneuver around children at your feet when they are clinging to your legs or just sitting right behind you.  But it is sometimes necessary for the child to be put down to free both your hands for the job that you need to do.

When you are diapering, for instance, you must have both hands to properly attend to the child on the changing table.  When preparing a bottle or cereal, it is better to not have a child on your hip so that they can't knock an open bottle out of your hands, or cough or sneeze into a bottle that is not meant for them.  When a bottle or cereal is not meant for the sad child, it is sometimes better to leave them down so they don't grab or put their hands in someone else's food, or just disrupt the meal with a tantrum that they are not getting what they want.

Children learn early about cause and effect.  When you speak to your newborn, or stroke their cheek, and they turn their face in your direction.  When your infant shakes a rattle and hears the sound, so they try again.  When they kick the crib to make the mobile move.  When they cry, someone comes to get them, and figures out what they are asking for- and provides it.  Children are quick to catch on.

Unfortunately, there can be too much of a good thing.  The child whose cries are always responded to with a bottle never learn to soothe without one.  The child who is always held and provided with someone to entertain them never learns to play on their own, or to find a toy or activity without adult assistance.

Here is where that follow through comes in to play for an infant.  If you say that you need to put a child down for a few minutes, do it- even when they cry at you.  It is only for a moment, and there are times that it is for their own or another's health and safety.  And this can be just the beginning.  What you are teaching them far outweighs the sadness that they feel in the moment.  You are showing them  that you know that they can be ok for the moment without being held.  You are showing them that there are limits in their world.  You are teaching them that you will come back to them- and this may be one of the most important of all!  Children need to know that they are ok, and that you will return.  Starting with small moments allows you to work up to bigger times, where it may take you longer to be able to get back to them.

 When you tell a child no, or that they need to be put down for a set period of time, or that they will need to wait for their next bottle because other's are due first, but don't follow through, you are teaching your child that your no isn't important.  You are teaching them that with continued crying, you will change your answer... In short, your child is completely in charge.  The child that clings and cries so you don't put them down is going to have a harder time when you do put them down if you make a habit of holding them some of the time.  They learn that their crying/whining/clinging gets them what they want at the possible expense of health and safety.  And every time you give in, you are reinforcing the behavior that you don't want (cry/whine/cling).

It is the same concept for the older child who asks for a toy at the store.  If you say no, and they have a tantrum, or they beg and bargain, and you give in, you are reinforcing the negative behavior (begging/ tantrums).  Even if you say no some of the time and stick to it, it is harder for your child to accept it if you say no but change to yes even a fraction of the time.  What if this would be the time that you change your answer, if they just keep pecking away for another minute?  If they scream just a little louder?  If they beg just a little harder?  If you think you might say yes, simply don't say no.  Say that you will think about it.  Give them a goal to work on while you are at the store, something simple and clear.  If they meet your expectations, give them what they asked for. But there is a catch to that one too... If you give a specific direction for getting what they want, and they choose not to follow it, you have to keep your end of not getting them the toy.  Otherwise, you are back to square one of them learning that you don't mean what you say.

Now, why is this important?  The infant that doesn't learn that you will follow through on the directions that distress them, the toddler that doesn't learn to pick up their toys, the preschooler who learns that they can dictate their supper from the meal you planned to a PB-J...  These habits can build into a child who can (and likely will) defy you on the more important issues.  Don't play in the road.  Stay by me in parking lots and crowded stores. Doing homework.  Staying away from illegal and unsafe habits or choices.  Don't hurt other people.  I know it can sound silly to think that something like letting an infant dictate weather you hold them when it would really be safer for both of you if you set them down and let them fuss for 20 seconds could lead to worrying about future illegal choices, but learning starts at the beginning.  It's like the ripples on the pond on the movie Pocahontas...  Something can start out small, and get bigger and bigger, and you never know where it will end up.

On the flip side of this, do your best to reinforce the positives.  Notice when they are playing happily without your assistance, and comment on that in an upbeat tone of voice.  They may not understand your words, but they will understand your tone.  When they are able to wait (even somewhat) calmly or quietly for you to be able to pick them back up, tell them how well they did waiting, again in that upbeat tone.  Be sure to teach yourself to be specific in your praise, not just a general good job.  This lets the child hear what they did, so that they can start associating it with their (and your) actions.

In my personal experience as a caregiver, as an educator, as a parent, it is so important for children to have clear limits and directions, and clear consequences for making choices counter to those directions.  It is important for us to teach children that their are limits, and that sometimes the answer is "no" or "not now" or "you will need to wait a bit."  It doesn't do children any favors to always hear yes.  It only makes it more difficult when they encounter someone who can't say yes as well.

I am NOT a Baby Sitter

I'm really not.  I do not sit on the babies.  Ever.  I will do what is needed to use a nasal aspirator or get prescription eye drops in on occasion, but still not sitting on the babies.  The higher ups in the child care industry make frowny faces when that happens.

I have been caring for children for most of my life, and I have to admit that the only children I ever sat on were my brothers, when I was a child myself.  And since my momma only ever said to take it outside...  Fair was fair.  :)

I was a baby sitter (no sitting on the babies, though) through most of my teenage years.  There were two families whose children I watched most frequently, and it cemented knowing what I wanted to do and where I wanted to be with my life.  I got my start teaching my second brother how to write the word 'horse' before he even knew what the letters were, or could spell his own name.  I think he was three, and I would have been about 11.  But he was so proud that he could write horse by himself, and know what it said.  It was a great feeling for me as well, to see him learn and know that I had helped him gain this skill.  Now, through the power of Facebook, I can still see the accomplishments of those other children, and it is an awesome feeling to think that I may have had some part in helping them become the young people they are today.  (Although it does make me a little sad to still think of them as the little munchkins they were, and know that they are actually 13-19 now.)

I have been a professional child care provider for about 10 of the last 13 years.  I got a work study job on campus while I was in college, working at the on-campus child care.  It was a great first experience, and I learned a lot about professionalism and helping children learn there.  I was at another center a few years later, and it was a culture shock for me.  Not in a bad way, just in that the campus child care had resources this one didn't.  It was still a great experience for me.  Now, I have been with my current center for 7 years (just had my anniversary yesterday!), and specifically an infant teacher for over 6 years of that.  I love it.  For me, I have the best job, wonderful children, great co-workers, and terrific bosses. Yes, there are days that are more difficult than others, but I can never see myself being anywhere but where I am.

As part of my job, I am required to continue my education in child development and teaching.  This would be one of the biggest differences in babysitters and professional care givers.  Both can care for your child, and do a great job.  But a professional has that training and education to back them up.  One of my biggest concerns when beginning in child care was that I was younger than so many of the parents that were clients of the center where I worked.  Why would these parents feel that I was worth listening to, when, at the time, most of them were several years older, and had several children?  Because I had my education and professors to back me up.  I could cite information that I'd learned if a parent came to me with a concern.  I could mention to my director a concern that I had about a child, and state why I thought there was something to be worried about.  Being able to have that education and training made (and still makes) all the difference.  Being able to keep up with the latest research and theories on child development allow me to catch potential problems much earlier than someone who just doesn't have that option available to them.

Another part of this educational difference is being able to be a 'specialist' in your area.  For me, this means focusing on infants, infant care, and infant development.  For another, it might mean toddlers or preschoolers.  For still others, it might mean being able to know all three, and how to integrate them into a (mostly) harmonious care setting.

To me, and others I am sure, another big difference is knowing the professionalism that needs to go into being a professional care giver.  It's in how you dress, how you communicate, how you respond and react to any given situation, how you handle personal or confidential information.  There are rules and policies in place that make it less confusing for us as professionals, but it's still A LOT to remember and keep straight.

Part of being a professional care giver is also making yourself into a resource for children and families.  You have to know when to offer your knowledge, and when to wait for them to ask.  You have to know, have a general idea, or know who to ask about the programs and community resources available in your area.  Being part of a child's village is an awesome thing, and being able to help parents know who else they can turn to in their child's time of need is an important tool for the family.

So, when you are looking for child care, go in with a list of what you want to know about us.  We want you to ask questions and make sure that we are the best fit for your child and your family.  We come to care very much for you and your child; professional child care is definitely not for everyone.  But to those of us who are called to it, it is definitely a labor of love.