What a crazy, busy week this feels like it has been! We made it to the climb for Team Briley, and the fundraising was very successful for that. What a wonderful feeling to be part of this effort, and a huge shout out to the climbers and fundraisers on that! I have also been working on some class work that is a required part of my job, which has also energized me on several things to do and bring up in my classroom to improve learning and development for my kiddos there. :)
I recently got to have a conversation about why I feel that it is ok to follow through on what you say you will or are going to with or for a child- even if they get upset about it. The situation was that a caregiver needed both hands to accomplish a task, and told the child she was holding that he would need to be put down for a minute (and really, it would be less than that), and that she would scoop him right back up. Before the child was set all the way down, he was clinging and fussing, and so was told that they would manage to complete the task while she was holding him.
Now, I don't enjoy a sad child any more than the next person does. It is very hard to hear a child cry for you when they just want you to be holding and comforting them. It can be difficult to maneuver around children at your feet when they are clinging to your legs or just sitting right behind you. But it is sometimes necessary for the child to be put down to free both your hands for the job that you need to do.
When you are diapering, for instance, you must have both hands to properly attend to the child on the changing table. When preparing a bottle or cereal, it is better to not have a child on your hip so that they can't knock an open bottle out of your hands, or cough or sneeze into a bottle that is not meant for them. When a bottle or cereal is not meant for the sad child, it is sometimes better to leave them down so they don't grab or put their hands in someone else's food, or just disrupt the meal with a tantrum that they are not getting what they want.
Children learn early about cause and effect. When you speak to your newborn, or stroke their cheek, and they turn their face in your direction. When your infant shakes a rattle and hears the sound, so they try again. When they kick the crib to make the mobile move. When they cry, someone comes to get them, and figures out what they are asking for- and provides it. Children are quick to catch on.
Unfortunately, there can be too much of a good thing. The child whose cries are always responded to with a bottle never learn to soothe without one. The child who is always held and provided with someone to entertain them never learns to play on their own, or to find a toy or activity without adult assistance.
Here is where that follow through comes in to play for an infant. If you say that you need to put a child down for a few minutes, do it- even when they cry at you. It is only for a moment, and there are times that it is for their own or another's health and safety. And this can be just the beginning. What you are teaching them far outweighs the sadness that they feel in the moment. You are showing them that you know that they can be ok for the moment without being held. You are showing them that there are limits in their world. You are teaching them that you will come back to them- and this may be one of the most important of all! Children need to know that they are ok, and that you will return. Starting with small moments allows you to work up to bigger times, where it may take you longer to be able to get back to them.
When you tell a child no, or that they need to be put down for a set period of time, or that they will need to wait for their next bottle because other's are due first, but don't follow through, you are teaching your child that your no isn't important. You are teaching them that with continued crying, you will change your answer... In short, your child is completely in charge. The child that clings and cries so you don't put them down is going to have a harder time when you do put them down if you make a habit of holding them some of the time. They learn that their crying/whining/clinging gets them what they want at the possible expense of health and safety. And every time you give in, you are reinforcing the behavior that you don't want (cry/whine/cling).
It is the same concept for the older child who asks for a toy at the store. If you say no, and they have a tantrum, or they beg and bargain, and you give in, you are reinforcing the negative behavior (begging/ tantrums). Even if you say no some of the time and stick to it, it is harder for your child to accept it if you say no but change to yes even a fraction of the time. What if this would be the time that you change your answer, if they just keep pecking away for another minute? If they scream just a little louder? If they beg just a little harder? If you think you might say yes, simply don't say no. Say that you will think about it. Give them a goal to work on while you are at the store, something simple and clear. If they meet your expectations, give them what they asked for. But there is a catch to that one too... If you give a specific direction for getting what they want, and they choose not to follow it, you have to keep your end of not getting them the toy. Otherwise, you are back to square one of them learning that you don't mean what you say.
Now, why is this important? The infant that doesn't learn that you will follow through on the directions that distress them, the toddler that doesn't learn to pick up their toys, the preschooler who learns that they can dictate their supper from the meal you planned to a PB-J... These habits can build into a child who can (and likely will) defy you on the more important issues. Don't play in the road. Stay by me in parking lots and crowded stores. Doing homework. Staying away from illegal and unsafe habits or choices. Don't hurt other people. I know it can sound silly to think that something like letting an infant dictate weather you hold them when it would really be safer for both of you if you set them down and let them fuss for 20 seconds could lead to worrying about future illegal choices, but learning starts at the beginning. It's like the ripples on the pond on the movie Pocahontas... Something can start out small, and get bigger and bigger, and you never know where it will end up.
On the flip side of this, do your best to reinforce the positives. Notice when they are playing happily without your assistance, and comment on that in an upbeat tone of voice. They may not understand your words, but they will understand your tone. When they are able to wait (even somewhat) calmly or quietly for you to be able to pick them back up, tell them how well they did waiting, again in that upbeat tone. Be sure to teach yourself to be specific in your praise, not just a general good job. This lets the child hear what they did, so that they can start associating it with their (and your) actions.
In my personal experience as a caregiver, as an educator, as a parent, it is so important for children to have clear limits and directions, and clear consequences for making choices counter to those directions. It is important for us to teach children that their are limits, and that sometimes the answer is "no" or "not now" or "you will need to wait a bit." It doesn't do children any favors to always hear yes. It only makes it more difficult when they encounter someone who can't say yes as well.
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