So, I got to make a new friend this week. He is just the cutest little munchkin. Unfortunately, he came with a fair amount of justified stress, as we were is first experience away from his momma. After a year of being the one and only, it started as a shock to his poor little system to become one of the group. And at around eight months to a year, it is a prime age for separation anxiety to rear it's head in children.
There are some things you can do to help your child through this stage....
First, do your best to introduce your child to a select group of regular caregivers. This could be a sitter you hire for a few hours a week to spend some time with your child while you run some errands that are more easily accomplished without your little in tow (like the grocery store... I know mine like to add stuff to the cart way too much, so it is a much simpler trip without them.) It could be the opposite parent, if your love has more anxiety with one parent leaving, it could be a family member or trusted friend. All of these the added benefit of allowing your child to see you leave- and come back. Their ability to connect your leaving with your return is one key to helping them learn to cope with their anxiety of being separated from you. If you are in a child care relationship, let your child see you interact, even briefly, in a positive way with their teacher. If you have negative feelings for your child's caregiver, they will sense that, and it will make their transition to that person that much more difficult. Something as simple as a quick story about the evening or weekend before, something that you are looking forward to in the upcoming days, and a "Have a great day!" can go a long way for your child.
Second, don't sneak away from your child. Sure, it may seem easier to slip out of the room when your child wanders away to check out that toy over there, but that just makes it harder for them. You were there a second ago- WHERE ARE YOU? It sure is hard to hug and kiss and say good bye to your sweet baby when they are crying and reaching for you, but trust me when I say that having that good bye and letting them see you leave is so much better for them than turning around and expecting you to be there and you aren't. Having the routine and ritual of your departure will let them know that separating isn't as bad as they currently fear. It will also become the first half of knowing that you will come back. When you offer the same good bye routine in the morning, they will begin to associate it with time spent with their caregiver, followed by your return.
Third, know that your child will cry for the first couple days at their new setting, especially if they are old enough to know that you are leaving them. It is normal, and your child's teacher expect it. Know that your child will very likely go through some separation anxiety at some point, and will cry for you, even if you have been with the same teacher/provider for months. Stick with your routine for them, and know that it will pass. It is a part of their growing and learning, and as I tell all the parents whose little loves I have the privilege of caring for, it means that their brain is developing the way you want it to. It's not easy, but it will pass.
Lastly, please don't try to get your child to cry for you. They will do it enough without prompting. Please, please, don't knock on the door, call their name, and pull the door mostly closed when they look. It doesn't help anyone, least of all your child. Do your best not to come back for encores, especially if your child's teacher has helped them calm and begin to distract themselves from their stress. One of the best things you can do when this has to be a part of your and your child's life, is to create a routine for initiating the separation, and go with it. Hold your child while you greet the teacher, pass the child over, have a short conversation about their evening/morning, get your provider the information they may need. Give a last hug and kiss, say good bye... And head out. It may be the hardest walk of all, but it will be worth it when you hear your child respond to the care that we offer by calming to wait for your return. It doesn't mean that they miss you less. It just means that they trust that you will be back.
Again, communication is key. Your body language and actions will speak loudly to your child about your confidence that they are safe in the setting you selected for them, that the caregiver will do the best possible to help your child adjust. Call your provider later in the day for an update; I never mind hearing from parents and having that extra few minutes to let them know what we have been doing.
Trust yourself, trust your child, and know that this stage, too, will pass.
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