Its Just Love...

Man... It’s been just over a year since I felt the pull to sit down and write to you. Oops!

It’s been a crazy year of the usual ups and downs of mom-ing and working and bills and all the other stuff that has to be done. There have been moments that I’ve followed thoughts that would have been great to share, and I promise to make a better effort to write it out to post. There were some good ones...

The thought that prompted this writing moment happened yesterday morning. A couple weeks ago, I told the kids they could each invite a friend over for a sleepover this past Friday. (Crazy, right. Volunteering for 6 kids, 7-11 years old? But it actually has gone pretty smoothly the couple times we’ve done these sleepovers.) So, we have tons of games, art supplies, stuff to play with and do, plus the usual assorted tech of tablets, WiFi only phones, and a Wii. The big kid and his friend had some fun with tablets and then asked for a game on the Wii. Sure, but not all night, because the other kids are gonna want a turn too.

Well, after about an hour, I could tell it was time for them to be done. Some bickering about the game, another pair of kids wanting their turn... time to find something else, guys. No, not back to the tablets. Remember all the other stuff we have?

This transition away from tech was (and usually is) hard for my big kid. And it showed. Can’t we just? But what about that? After this next 10 minites?  No, dude. Your friend is here for face to face interaction, not side by side interaction with tech as a bridge. Proud mom moment of sticking to the limit through his stress. It was HARD!

Saturday morning rolls around, and I’m sitting on the couch while the kids play, and my big kid comes by and says, “Mommy, I’m really sorry for how I acted last night” and goes back to his friend. And right there, I realized all he needs from me is to just be there to hold the line of our healthy limits. That’s all. I totally thought there was something I was missing, something I was supposed to be doing for him to help with these swings and anger and demands. And all he needs is me to be there and love him.

It’s been such a revelation, I’m still getting used to it. I know there will be times we both still slip, but hopefully this will help me remember he just needs that love and support, and I don’t have to fix it.

Maybe that’s so,etching you needed somewhere in your life too. You don’t have to fix it all... you just have to be there for the ones who need you to show up.

The Cost of Child Care

I had someone ask me a while back why (almost all) child care providers charge for days a child is not in care, like sick days or holidays or vacation days. If they are at home with their child, shouldn't they be able to deduct that day from the weeks tuition?

Fair question.

My short answer to her was that child care is like cable, not pay-per-view :)  You pay for all the channels, not just the ones you actually end up watching. You pay for all the days, not just the ones you use.

To go a little more in-depth with the analogy, when you enroll your child in child care, you are contracting for hours with your provider (whether they are a center or home based provider), for  them to be available to care for your child. The tuition is the fee to have those hours saved for your child week to week, not so much day to day. For many providers, the tuition is a specified amount per week, for the hours requested, not one fifth of that amount per day.

Now, there are very good reasons you may need to keep your child out of care, and there are good reasons your provider may need to ask you to pick up your child early or keep them out. (Sick child licensing policy, anyone?) But the costs associated with your child's child care spot don't disappear just because your child is unable to attend. The electricity, water, food, and supplies still need to be purchased, paid for, and available. In advance.

And though I know there are jobs out there that don't offer flex time/ sick days/ holiday pay, a lot of them do. And if you are in the group that receives that benefit, you expect to be paid for your days off so you can still pay your bills. Your child care provider is no different. They are a professional, providing a demanding service, one that requires training, licensing visits, background checks, paperwork, and has enough rules and regulations to make your head spin. They have bills to pay as well, and rely on their income, including sick days, flex time, and holiday pay, to keep things afloat.

So, here's the thing. Your provider loves your kid.  Not like you love your kid, and not like they love their own kid.  (And that's ok! That's how it's supposed to work.) But they want to be able to be there for you and your child. They want your child to come experience and enjoy the environment and activities they have available and planned out. Sometimes though, that just isn't what works out. 

I know I love my job. I know my other provider friends love their jobs. Child care is a profession, and a service offered. Know what your provider's c
ontract and financial policies are, have conversations with them about the ins and outs of what is expected and offered on both sides, and make sure there are as few surprises as possible. Yes, child care is not cheap.  Yes, it can be frustrating to find the fit that works for all the areas you need it to. But child care providers love kids, love seeing them develop and succeed, and (for me, anyway) love being a resource for parents. However, when it is a chosen profession, we still need to be paid for our time and effort. 

And the rewards of having a child development professional as a resource for your child's village?

Priceless.

I'm sitting here thinking of all the things that are just running around in my head, and don't even know what I want to let out.  There is so much I take on and take care of, and sometimes it's hard to let go of some of that stuff, even when I know it's for my best  that I do.

Being a mom is one of my most favorite things ever.  I have the coolest kids, and you are free to disagree that yours are cooler, I know my truth.  😄  I've gotten to watch as my dolly crafts a costume out of notebook paper and yarn for her brother.  It's so cool!  She is figuring out how to make all the pieces work together, and how to get it to stay on him without ripping.  My big kid has been working on his computer and piano skills- he's coming along amazingly at both.  And my super bud is just being so patient as his sister makes his costume. They are creative, and smart, and funny, and just fun to be around.

I love my work.  I get to hang out with babies all day, and about 90% of the time they are the cutest and most amazing little people ever.  *(The other 10% is crying and poopy diapers. No one loves that.) I love that I get to go to work somewhere I love with people I enjoy doing something I'm really good at every day. I get to make a difference for so many people, and it is the most amazing ever.

I have my classwork coming up.  I am so excited at the opportunity to learn more, and especially to learn about how to share the things I've learned and experienced with other people.  To make that difference to someone.  To be a teacher is one of my greatest blessings in life.

I have my parents, five siblings, siblings-in-law, nieces, nephews.  I know that there are people with larger families than me, but no matter what, family is a commitment, and takes time, attention, and care.  Everyone needs something a little different, and that can take a lot out of a person.

I have my church family. I have loved meeting and connecting (or reconnecting) with the people there.  There is so much support to be found and offered.

This next week, I get to be on vacation with my kids.  I don't know what all we are going to do, and that is so great.  We get to just be together.  As much as I love all the other people and commitments in my life, I am so looking forward to all the time I get to spend with my kids.  We get to spend some quality time with the cousins and some special friends who we don't get the opportunity to see as much as we would like, but there are so many things that come up in all our schedules it just doesn't happen. And we get to hang out with some new kids, and see what kinds of connections we make there.

Most of the time, it's just going to be me and them.  And I can't wait!  It's tough to step away from all the commitments I've made, but sometimes I have to. One thing I've learned in the last few years is that I'm not irreplaceable to the rest of the world. But to myself, to my kids, to my family... There's only one me, and I need to take care of me first sometimes.

Preparing for Parent Aware and Infant Learning

So, the child care center where I work is preparing for our re-rating through Parent Aware. For those of you who don't know, Parent Aware is a program that works with child care centers and providers to use research based ideas to help children in child care settings be more ready for kindergarten.

Now, I will be one of the first to stand up and say that I feel that our schools, teachers, and children are being pushed into accomplishing unrealistic goals.  Kindergartners are not developmentally ready for first or second grade work.  Five and six year old children should never be expected to be able to accomplish the things that eight and nine year olds can and should do.  But there are things that can be done with children before they ever set foot in a classroom that can help them be set up for success once they get to kindergarten. Even as an infant teacher, there are things that I need to do to be able to help my little learners get the best start possible.

Teach children that learning is fun, or at least interesting.  Creating an environment that promotes exploration and discovery on the child's terms allows a child to see that they have the ability to choose for themselves what interests them.  They can make things happen. They can become immersed in stacking cups or rings, climbing into or out of a bucket, standing up and falling back down as they try out their legs. They can make the baby in the mirror smile and wave an arm or kick a leg.  And all of this shows children that learning in a common, natural thing for them to do.

Make learning possible.  If a child is consistently in front of a screen, or tucked into an infant seat/swing, they are not going to learn about movement opportunities.  They won't learn the wonder of being outside, and feeling the grass or the sand or how it feels to swing. You have to make learning possible for children by giving them a place that encourages interaction with the environment.  Take them outside and let them see the trees and insects, let them play with the sand and grass (and yes, if you have infants, they will probably try to eat both.  It's usually not a big deal.)

Give them opportunities to try out new things that they haven't done before.  I have a couple baby friends who are around the 9 month mark.  They just started participating in our art experiences that involve paint brushes and crayons.  And they love it!  They get the biggest smiles as they swing their arms back and forth and color or paint their paper (or their teachers or the floor!)  Just remember that everything washes, even the children.

Also, these children are beginning to pull themselves to stand, and get themselves around the room under their own power.  These moments are huge for an infant.  For the first times in their lives, these children are able to make a decision about what they want and get themselves to their goal.  Create a space that allows movement, and encourage the opportunity.  Trust me, I know how fun it is to snuggle that squishy baby, but let them do their own thing.  They will thank you for it. Promise.

Lastly, for here at least, TALK TO THEM! Let them know the correct words for what they are doing, the things they are learning, what they are feeling, where they are going, reading to them.  Children learn language by listening to you talk. Make sure they hear you, and that you are talking and reading about a variety of topics.  Teach them how to have conversations so they can express themselves, and listen to another person.

There are a million and five things that you can give to a child, but the most important is your support of their exploration.  Teach them that they are capable learners, encourage them to try- even if they can't quite get it right the first time, and you will help your child become ready for the things that life is going to throw at them.

Making time to be the mom I want to be

How I would love to always be the best mom I can think to be.  To always choose the best foods, plan the best activities, have the best discipline, make all the best choices for these amazing little people I love to the moon and back.

But, I have to be the first to admit that we buy drive through and convenience foods more than I would prefer.  And sometimes I just tell them to go play so that I can get done the things that feel like they have to be done now (like weeding the flower beds, or making supper, or cleaning up the mess left over from supper...)

And sometimes I have a grown up tantrum over something I know, as an adult, isn't really worth the effort of the tantrum.  Something that is really only worth a gentle correction, a reminder that walking in the house results in fewer bumps and bruises, and not winding the dog up keeps him from making a mess that they need to learn to clean up.

Here's the great thing though.  They love me anyway.  They think they are getting the best of it all anyway.  Well, maybe not dealing with a mom-tantrum.  But they are such great teachers for grace and forgiveness.

It is amazing how they can see the time that I want to get things done as time to run, bike, jump, make up games, and create gorgeous art with their chalk on the driveway.  Time to be outside and explore the wonders of nature like plants, insects, and bubbles.

They see the not-so-great food choices as a treat; I've had all three turn down an offer of something sweet for fruit.  They will almost always ask for a visit to the produce section of the store (if it has one) to pick out some fruit or veggies or yogurt to snack on, and almost never ask for candy.  And, really, those drive through meals are outnumbered by the foods we make at home by an overwhelming majority.

Here's the thing I think I have down pat about being a mom.. I love them right back. I want the best things for them, and I work really hard to get them those things.  I love spending time with them, and seeing their interest and wonder at the baby plants and the insects that they check out.  I love seeing them learn about fueling their bodies with the things that they need, and just BEING with them.

They are my favorite teachers.  I enjoy listening to them imagine and play, to seeing the art and Lego buildings they create, to watch them learn to ride their bike farther and faster, and to climb the tree just a little higher.  They love giving to others, and it is beautiful to see.

There are so many things I would love to do; being a mom to these kiddos is something I wouldn't trade for the world.  I guess I'm doing better than I thought.....

Trying out a book review

I so love learning, especially about being a mom and a teacher.  So many of the things I've learned apply so much to both aspects of my life, and it's great to be able to practice what I learn in so many settings.  If  I had to pick on thing that I miss from being a college student, it would be the deep levels of learning that I got to do.  The papers, the studying, the tests, not so much.  :)

I recently purchased The 5 Love Languages of Children, by Gary D. Chapman and Ross Campbell, and read it on breaks at work.  It was a great one to leave on site and pick up when I had those few spare minutes that I needed to fill.  And it was great to be able to read a bit, and immediately put some of the information I read into practice on my work littles.

The short review of this book is that everyone has a love language- a way that they feel and receive love from others that impacts them the most, and allows them to feel loved in a way that other ways don't touch.

The love languages are words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, physical touch, and quality time. There is a chapter devoted to each love language, with suggestions about using the particular language to speak love to your child, and testimonials from parents and children who have benefited form the information contained in this book. There is also information on learning about the love languages, using them in discipline (NOT to be confused with punishment), using the love languages in single parent families, and a chapter on love languages in marriage and committed relationships.

I loved reading this book, and being able to use its suggestions to make sure my kids (at home, at work, and at church) know how much I love and value them.  There are many suggestions, ranging from easy, everyday ideas to big moments that take some planning to carry out.  

If you are struggling to know how to show your kiddos (and others in your life!) the love you feel for them, this book is a great place to start.  Saying "I love you" looses its impact quickly if it is not followed by the actions that SHOW the recipient that you mean them. You can say the words until you are blue in the face, but if you don't SHOW it, it is meaningless.  

Fall Musings

I've been thinking a lot lately how much I miss making the time to write, and share the things I've learned about life, kids, and being a mom-teacher.  And about how much has changed in the (almost to the day) two years it's been since I sat down and made the time.

Catching up, I'm now doing the single mom route.  About a year ago, I was just a few days on the other side of the conversation that ended my marriage.  It was such a tough time, but is definitely the better road for us.  It has been and continues to be a cycle of sadness, grief, happy times, and love.  The last time I was writing, I wouldn't have imagined that I would have taken that step, but looking at it now, I can't see any alternative.

My kiddos are 9, 7, and 5 years old now.  Third grade, first grade, and the last year of pre-K.  They are growing so much, and learning so much, and are such fun for me to watch and learn from.  We have our tough and stressful days, but they are so outnumbered by our fun, loving, adventurous days. Life is a struggle for them to acclimate to the changes that have (and continue) to come, but they know they are so very loved, and that makes a lot of difference.

We have a dog.  Sam is almost 1 year old, and a fiercely playful Beagle.  He is such a silly dog, and the kids love him to pieces.  He is great company, and seems to know when the kids need him to run and jump and play, and when they need him to just love on them.

We are exploring and growing our faith.  With the help of wonderful friends, we have found a church home that we love.  There is such great community for us, and the support we have received has been valuable.

The best thing I've learned in all of this change is that the people who love you will be the strength and support you need.  Whenever you need them, someone is only a phone call, text, coffee date away. They are a shoulder to cry on, a hand to help you up. someone to watch your kids so you can do the next hard thing, and the thing after that.  They are the ones who help you find the way to keep moving forward.

Thank you, thank you to all the people who have been with me.  The ones who were there from the start, and the ones who have joined my journey and made it even a little easier to bear.  The fierce love and protectiveness for my kids, the love of my family, the coffee and mom dates, the life groups at church....  You've all made this journey so much more bearable, and made all the difference in the world.